On Second Thoughts, Hell is a waay better place than Heaven!

Warning: Feel free to get offended. This is inspired by my childhood imagination of what heaven and hell would look like. I tweaked it appropriately and inserted a couple more ‘educated’ guesses.

It is a standing joke in the family that we will all die and go to hell. We all have the same justification to go to hell. “Of course I will be welcomed in heaven. But with you lot suffering in hell, heaven just won’t be the same for me. I love you people too much and might miss you. Therefore, I will opt for hell and that way we can all be together.” See how thoughtful my family is?

Thanks to this conviction that we are all going to hell anyway and  because I have no intention of burning for eternity because it is such an unpleasant image, I am listing the reasons why Hell beats Heaven in the long run.

Heaven is not as great as everyone thinks because:

1) Everyone would become angels dressed in white and the uniform looks boring after the initial thrill with wings.

2) Heaven and its interiors are done in shades of white and light blue and the monochromatic colour combination would bore you after some time.

3) What do you do in heaven anyway? Surrounded by the rest of angels you would be praising and glorifying the Lord, day after day after day without a break. I bet it will be awful after some time.

4) The whole concept lacks imagination when you come to think of it. I mean, we stop aging and it is for infinity. You wouldn’t even have a personality but will be the mere clone of everyone around you. And it is for INFINITY. Ugh! The mere thought horrifies me.

5) There is no hunger and sorrow in heaven. So the rations, if angels eat in heaven that is, wouldn’t taste good. I am positive that they serve organic vegetables and bland, albeit healthy food there. No coffee, no wine and no chocolates…Need I say more?

6) Constant state of bliss. Can you imagine how sad that will be? You would have no reason to be sad and in retrospect, you will be clueless why joy is nice. No fights and thus no fun making up for fights. Everyone will be smiling pleasantly all the time like morons because there won’t be any sadness or jokes. Stupid, boring balanced state of affairs!

7) One thing that I am sure wouldn’t exist in heaven is hope. Why would anyone hope for something there? Everything will be provided and you will be unable to even hope for a better tomorrow because it is already the best today. Even writing this is depressing.

Now, on the flip-side, Hell is anything but boring. Hell is sort of like earth itself. I suppose that all the worldly goods that we call evil pleasure will die and go to hell as well. Except with the poor innocent people and the ones with the good intentions out of the way, the bad ones can try to be bad but none will be fooled. See my point?

Hell is more pleasant and alive with energy because:

1) In my kind of hell, you can read everything from Harry Potter to 50 Shades of Grey, watch movies,soap and reality shows, eat fried chicken and Chinese, devour the sinfully delicious chocolate chip cookies and enjoy all other earthly pleasures.

2) We will all be a selfish lot and thus the scope of someone tricking us into something is very unlikely. Let me put it like this. Hitler would probably be some authority figure in hell owing to the enormity of his evil deeds in Earth but he wouldn’t have any followers there. Sure, he will try to hate but with all the gullible people safely tucked away in heaven, he will have a hard time imposing his hatred.

3) The majority of Hell population will be regular, everyday folks like us. We mind our business and don’t really care much about anything else. The perks of such a community is that we keep our noses to ourselves. Being perfectly capable of looking after ourselves, no one follows anyone else without seeing what is in it for them. Economics will flourish and hell will be self sufficient in no time despite all the smoke and fire around. We shall employ our brains and may even tame the dragons to make the habitats more comfortable. Sly ones rule!

4) Some might think that everyone in Hell will be fighting all the time. But no one will fight when they know that there is nothing to be gained. Why would anyone intelligent risk their relative well-being and fight with someone over something that they wouldn’t get anyway? Because the ones in hell are all selfish, they will look out for only their own well-being.

5) The community ought to be more clubbable. The ones with the good intentions deserve Heaven and everyone knows how much trouble they really cause. When your intentions need no longer painted as good, it is a refreshing change. The inhabitants are free to reveal that they have sneaky objectives and they could even find partners to see the cause through.

6) I have heard stories where the little devils skin and fry you in oil. But I find those hard to believe. With all the lawless inhabitants and rule breaking tendencies in plenty, who will bother to enforce the rules of hell? I highly doubt that agents from Heaven are employed down there to oversee punishments. I suspect that we will take a break from punishments and forge records instead to prove that all is neat and running fine.

7) We might even one day overtake Heaven with all the ambitious lot that we harbor. With brains like those of the Hell mates, Gods will have a hard time holding on to the throne.

8) As kids, my little sister and I always got into fights when we were required to share chocolates and cakes. One portion was always slightly bigger and we fought over who gets to have that. My mother rather cleverly suggested that one of us do the division and the other choose their portion first. Till date, I cut the cake into exact fractions so that she will find it physically impossible to choose a a larger piece! The moral? Equality and fairness is a given when both sides are equally selfish. Since hell would have no shortage of selfish folks, it is bound to be a very democratic set up.

Is it any wonder then that I always wanted to die and go to hell where everyone I know and love will already be? Now that is a life worth living. You will forget about going bored with all the constant schemes and drama around you.

In true evil fashion I conclude that the Devil’s kingdom is more appealing. Meet you there!